Dick Clark is spinning in his grave somewhere. Wait…he died, right? For real this time? Not like when he pulled a “Death Becomes Her” and hired some witch doctor to keep him in an unnaturally glossy and youthful zombie state? 500 years ago when he originally created the American Music Awards he had a dream of a wholesome and family friendly show about pop music and the dreamboats who make it. Last night he got people riding other people in horse costumes, child molesters dressed up as beloved presidents and a digitally constructed cat lip-synching the closing number. I’m sure he’s real proud.
Yet another glittering spectacle of wealth-induced crazy shit went on last night at the 2013 American Music Awards. In some sort of inexplicable homage to Versace, Lady Gaga forced people to wear horse parts and carry her around for awhile. It’s always been my dream to be rich and eccentric enough to not have to do my own walking, and even though I thought I was looking at Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon – and was all “what in the hot hell are they still doing places?!?”- when I first saw the photos I have since realized that it doesn’t really matter who was riding the person horse- I’m just excited that it happened. Lady Gaga is currently every old person’s favorite whack-job to pretend to “get” in order to appear hip and socially conscious so I get why she’s allowed to ride people and defile American icons, but I’m still a bit too old-fashioned to understand why someone who peed on a minor is allowed out of a cell at all, much less invited to portray JFK on an international stage, I suppose.
All of that pales in comparison to the show ending magic that was Miley Cyrus in a Jane Fonda workout get-up accompanying herself with a creepy digitized cat. All hail the reigning queen of random shit that people will tweet about for weeks. Miley is single-handedly maintaining all social media and gossip blogging and I sure as shit hope she got an award for something, somehow, some way last night. Who gives a hot crap about beastiality rickshaws, sexual deviancy, the most famous extramarital affair or boring old racial profiling when Miley brings magic like this to the world??
By Emily Pitcher
Miley Cyrus AMA WTF?